DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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