Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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