My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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