I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
