So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
FUCK WHALES
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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