so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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