i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
