If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
