Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
