So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
