when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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