i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
