the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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