I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
