I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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