so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
