there's paper in my vomit.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Randomize
