No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
