the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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