just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
