eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
