i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
