So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
