My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
