Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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