look no pants
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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