How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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