That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
