the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
