I wish I could punch you in the face.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
