She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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