Swine flu. Run for my life!
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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