Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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