I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
