Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
