I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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