I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
