the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
