I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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