Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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