obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
