i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
