bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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