I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
