i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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