Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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