Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
