He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
two words...techno handjob
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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