I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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