You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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