I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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