So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
We need to rekindle our bromance
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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